Joke thread

[tigeraholic]

I see the tension getting kind of high in the forum so I hope this thread will let everyone crack a smile!

[tigeraholic]

Pedro was trying to get into the U.S. legally through Immigration.

The Officer said "Pedro, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter the U.S."

Pedro said, " I am ready."

The officer said "Make a sentence using Yellow, Pink and Green."

Pedro thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said "Go ahead."

Pedro said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, "Yellow, this is Pedro.'"

Pedro now lives in a neighborhood near you.

[tigeraholic]

Guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counterand says,"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of thelong hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her onher overseas holiday trips. On occasion you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're BS'in me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it"

[tigeraholic]

Three old ladies are sitting on a parkbench feeding birds. I man runs up and exposes himself in front of them. The first old lady screams and has a stroke, the second old lady also has a stroke, the third old lady however couldn't reach.

[tigeraholic]

Two Priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is NO SOAP.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three Nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and FREEZES like he's a STATUE.

The Nuns stop and comment on how "life-like" he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap!

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.

Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third Nun decides to have a go.

She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs ... then yells!

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand-lotion too!"

[tigeraholic]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

[tigeraholic]

Two buddies, Troy and Jim, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Jim throws up all over himself. "Oh, no; now Jeanette
will kill me!" Troy says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty
in your breast pocket, tell Jeanette that someone threw up on
you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Jim rolls into home and Jeanette starts to give him a
bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to
slur, Jim says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot
wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy
got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold
hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks
for the cleaning bill!" Jeanette looks in the breast pocket and
says, "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he
shhhit in my pants, too."

[tigeraholic]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.

"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to
pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[tigeraholic]

Guy owns a talking dog, a beagle. Goes into a bar and orders a Rob Roy. Dog jumps up on the next stool. Bartender laughs and says, "What will your dog have?" Guy says, "Ask him. He can talk for himself." Bartender ask dog for his order. Dog says "A shot of rye with a beer chaser." Drinks are served. A few minutes later Bartender says, "Watch the store for me, willya? I wanna go across the street and get a newspaper." Guy says, "Hey, just send my dog after the paper." Tender gives dog a dollar and dog heads out the door and across the street. After 10 minutes the dog is still gone. Owner finishes his drink and says, "I'll go see what's keeping him." He looks up and down the street but sees no dog. Hears huffing and puffing sound coming from an alley. Investigates and finds dog busy plowing a nice looking little ***** (female dog). Guy says, "What's the matter with you. Ya never done anything like this before." Dog stops his motion long enough to say, "I never had the money."

[tigeraholic]

A lady found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some "Nair."

At the register, the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[tigeraholic]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[tigeraholic]

A man is driving out west across one of the 'flat states' through the night. In a very desolate part of the state, he sees a sign:

Sisters of Mother Mary Magdele Prostitution House.
30 Miles Ahead.

He blinks, but by then, traveling at over 70 MPH, he's long past the sign. 'Wow,' he thinks to himself, 'that's strange. I must've misread that.' And he continues his drive. A few minutes later, he sees another sign:

Sisters of Mother Mary Magdelen Prostitution House.
20 Miles Ahead.

This time he slows down a bit to get a good look at the sign. However, he still can't believe his eyes. After a few miles down the road he's convinced himself that he mis-read the sign again. But sure enough, a few more miles and another sign:

Sisters of Mother Mary Magdelen Prostitution House.
10 Miles Ahead.

This time he stops in the road. He reads the sign 10 times. He can't believe that nuns would be running a house of prostitution. He eventually starts back down the road. His curiosity gets the better of him and he can't stop wondering what's it's all about... and the stories he'd have to tell the next time he got together with his buddies at the bar. In short order he see another sign:

Sisters of Mother Mary Magdelen Prostitution House.
Next Exit. Turn Right, 7 miles down the road.

And of course he exits, drives down the road, and sure enough, there it is. A rather large, old building, virtually in the middle of no where. Above the road it reads:

Sisters of Mother Mary Magdelen Prostitution House.
Open 24 hours, 6 days a week.

With a bit of trepidation, he approaches the door, and knockes. After a short wait, young, rather striking looking woman in a nun's habit answers the door.

"Can I help you sir?"

"Umm... yeah, ah, well, I saw the signs on the road, and I just couldn't really believe them... I guess I always wondered what it would be like to be screwed by a nun."

"Of course sir. I think I understand what it is you're interested in. Please come with me."

The women escorts the man into another room where three different women are waiting. All are rather beautiful, and dispite all being dressed in Habits, it's pretty clear that the looks do not stop with the face.

"Do you see anything you like sir?"

"Well... yes... Her I think." He points to the woman on the left.

"Very good. Sister Mary Lilly, please escourt this gentlemen to his next stop?"

Sister Mary Lilly gets up and taking the mans hand they walk out of the room and down a dark hallway. The enter an extremely brightly lit room with a door at the far end, and small slot in the side wall. Sister Mary Lilly says the the man. "$50, please sir."

The man yanks a few bills out of his pocket, feeling like he's in some strange parallel universe, and hands them to the nun. The nun then slides the money into the slot and leads the man to the far door. The room beyond is as dark as the one they left was bright. This room too has a door at the far end, and the nun leads the man to this door with the practiced ease of someone who's done this many times over.

She reaches the door and pulls it down, then pently pushes the man through the door ahead of her. Once he's through, she slams the door hard. The man's eyes are still trying to adjust to the lack of light and he's trying to figure out where the nun went.

He suddently realizes that she's not with him. As his eyes continue to adjust, he noticees stars overhead. 'What the heck?!? Am I outside??' He thinks.

"Sister Lilly?" He calls, but gets no answer. He finds the door behind him and discovers there is no handle. He feels what seems to be a sign on the door, and fishing in his pocket he find his lighter. Lifting it up to the sign, he reads:

You've just been screwed by the
Sisters of Mother Mary Magdelen.
Have a nice day.
__________________

[tigeraholic]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.

All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t*ts, you'd be a ten!!!"

[tigeraholic]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army. Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

God Bless America

[tigeraholic]

CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de France title.

In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's hotel room.

The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows:

(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap

The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone...

[tigeraholic]

A little boy came down to breakfast.

Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

[tigeraholic]

A young guy goes to pick up a girl on their first date. Of course when he arrives, she's not ready .. so he sits down in the living room & waits. Her dad comes in & sits down right across the room from him. Duke, the family dog, follows dad in - but sits right under the young fella's chair.

This makes the kid so nervous, he can feel gas pains coming on & he thinks to himself "I really need to fart. Maybe they'll think it's the dog." So he lets go, & the dad says "Duke." The kid says "Whew. He thinks it's the dog."

Feeling a little bolder now, he lets go again - to which the dad yells "Duke." "Whew" the kid says again. I just need to do it one more time & I'll be fine.

So once more he gently lifts a cheek & releases the gas, when the dad yells "Duke. Get out from under there before he craps all over ya."

[tigeraholic]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

[kingmob]

i appreciate the jokes......but im in no mood to laugh as our govt. disarms the good people of NO and enslaves them.......sorry but it is reality....

[boomboom]

Guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counterand says,"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of thelong hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her onher overseas holiday trips. On occasion you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're BS'in me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it"

funny as he!!

[boomboom]

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

hahahahhaha

[boomboom]

tiger, you make me laugh. :)

[tigeraholic]

tiger, you make me laugh. :)


The world is not all doom and gloom! ;)

[kingmob]

yeah i know.....ive noticed a lot of people being nicer to there fellow man.....and being kind and big hearted .....which is the one thing that the evil ones cant stand......and then i see the diabolical sadism that transpired and that is still being transpired on the good people of occupied NO.......thanks for the laugh ....preciate that

[tigeraholic]

Did I hear we want to laugh??

[kingmob]

What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?






they both come on little white crackers

[robinhoodnik]

What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?






they both come on little white crackers
What do Michael Jackson and Band-Aids have in common?
They both come in little white cans. :rolleyes:

[SFSteveG]

What do Michael Jackson and Catholic Priests have in common?

They both live in their own little fantasy worlds(you thought I was going to say screwing little boys didn't you? Sicko)

[tigeraholic]

Did you here Michael Jackson was spotted at K-Mart??






Guess the had little boys pants half off!!

[Lunch]

A giant Panda walks into a cafe and approaches the counter. "Good morning" he says "Can I please have ..................................................a cup of tea!"

"Certainly" replies the serving lady "But why the big paws?"

[Lunch]

Did I ever tell you the one about the Frosted Flake? Well, he was born in a poor district of the factory. Never had much luck. Then he meets a lady Frosted Flake. They fall in love, move in to their own corner of the box and have kids. Then it all goes horribly wrong.


I'll tell you the rest tomorrow. It's a cereal!! :D

[TheNamelessPoet]

now THATS some funny stuff

[ragecage]

Awww....lol

> There was a man who
> worked for the Post Office whose job was to process
> all the mail that had illegible addresses.
>
> One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to
> God with no
> actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it
> was about.
>
> The letter read:
>
> Dear God,
>
> I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
>
> Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which
> was all the
> money I had until my next pension payment.
>
> Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
> friends over for
> dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
> with, have no
> family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
> help me?
>
> Sincerely, Edna
>
> The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all
> the other
> workers. Each
> one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
> dollars.
>
> By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
> they put
> into an envelope and sent to the woman..
>
> The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow
> thinking of Edna
> and the dinner she would be able to share with her
> friends.
>
> Christmas came and went.
>
> A few days later, another letter came from the same old
> lady to God.
>
> All the workers gathered around while the letter was
> opened.
>
> It read:
>
> Dear God,
>
> How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
>
> Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
> dinner for my
> friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of
> your wonderful
> gift.
>
> By the way, there was $4 missing.
>
> I think it might have been those bastards at the post
> office.
>
> Sincerely,
> Edna
>

[ewing6]

lmao

[BenFink]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a **** in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with **** sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Thank you Eddie

[etothep]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Sun Journal, a local newspaper in New Bern , NC , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard, Bubba Yancey, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless."

[ragecage]

Friend sent this to me today lol.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went
in to buy a packet of condoms at Marine's pharmacy.

Mr. Marine's eldest daughter was working behind the counter, and she could
see that I was embarresed. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear
one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to
see if it were emptyIt was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed
it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked,
holding her breasts up for me to see.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head and drool!

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she
dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on',
she said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, but unfortunately, I could no longer
hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the **** out of me.......

[Kobie]

Where did the cantaloupe go for summer vacation?

John Cougar's Melon Camp

[CalRipken12]

Where did cal ripken jr. go for dinner?

Burger King! lawl I am so funny eh?

[metsguy234]

Where did cal ripken jr. go for dinner?

Burger King! lawl I am so funny eh?

LMAO good one bro.

[CalRipken12]

LMAO good one bro.


I know, here's another one.


Why did Stephen Strasburg cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

duh dun duh dun!

[President]

Oh I get it, CalRipken12 is the joke.

[Josh123123123]

Alright let me try, fyi may be racist.




What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?





Juan on Juan.


http://i31.tinypic.com/dlok5k.gif

[metsguy234]

What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

[President]

laughed at metsguy's joke

[Josh123123123]

laughed at metsguy's joke

Who the **** asked you?

[metsguy234]

Good one I found online a while ago:

The Cleveland Symphony Orchestra was rehearsing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There is an extensive section where the bass players don't play for twenty minutes of so. One of them decided that, rather than stand around on stage looking bored and stupid, they'd all just file offstage during their tacit-time and hang out backstage, then return when they were about to play. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

On the night of the performance, the bass players filed off as planned. The last one had barely left the stage when the leader suggested, "Hey we've got twenty minutes, let's run across the street to the bar for a few!"

This idea was met with great approval, so off they went, tuxedos and all, to loosen up. Fifteen minutes and a few rounds later, one of the bass players said, "Shouldn't we be heading back? It's almost time."

But the leader announced, "Oh don't worry, we'll have some extra time - I played a little joke on the conductor. Before the performance started, I tied string around each page of his score so that he'd have to untie each page to turn it. The piece will drag on a bit. We've got time for another round!"

So another round they did, and finally - sloshed and staggering - they made their way back across the street to finish Ludwig's 9th.

Upon entering the stage, they immediately noticed the conductor's haggard, drawn and livid expression.

"Gee," one player queried, "Why do you suppose he looks so tense?"

"You'd be tense, too," laughed the leader. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied and the basses are loaded."

[President]

Who the **** asked you?

Shut. the. ****. up.

[Josh123123123]

Pretty Good one I found on the internet.

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man says, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure…go ahead."

Man asks the dog, "What covers a house?" Dog says, "Roof!"

Man asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?" Dog says, "Rough!"

Man asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"

Man says to the bartender, "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

Bartender throws both of them out the door.

Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the man and says, "Should I have said Gehrig, then?"

[Rongar]

Sent to me by my brother...

Dear Ma and Pa,
> I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
> Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to
> join up quick before all of the places are filled.
>
> I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till
> nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and
> Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some
> things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
> fire to lay. Practically nothing.
> Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
>
> We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
> to harden us.. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him
> different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at
> home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
>
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near
as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting
at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges
They come in boxes..

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get
to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though,
they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at
home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug
Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
>
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
>
>
> Your loving daughter ,
> Alice
>
>

[Josh123123123]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?



Nacho Cheese!

Get it? Not-Yo cheese, Nacho Cheese :D

[metsguy234]

What do you call a joke that was stolen from a KGB commercial?

Josh's last post.

What do you call someone that will delete the post in question?

Josh.

[metsguy234]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?



Nacho Cheese!

Get it? Not-Yo cheese, Nacho Cheese :D

QFR (Quoted for Reference)

[metsguy234]

Pretty Good one I found on the internet.

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man says, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure…go ahead."

Man asks the dog, "What covers a house?" Dog says, "Roof!"

Man asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?" Dog says, "Rough!"

Man asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"

Man says to the bartender, "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

Bartender throws both of them out the door.

Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the man and says, "Should I have said Gehrig, then?"

This joke is blasphemous. The greatest player of all time is clearly Junior Felix, with Junior Spivey a close second.

[OregonDuck1989]

What do you call five white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

http://memegenerator.net/Advice-Rorschach/ImageMacro/736262/SmallThumbnail.jpg

[CalRipken12]

This joke is blasphemous. The greatest player of all time is clearly Junior Felix, with Junior Spivey a close second.


And Junior Ortiz 3rd, right?

[StreetMedic]

One hydrogen atom says to another, "I've lost my electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

[Wassit3]

How Men Can Make Women Happy - The Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replaced the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
You go out and by her extra-light pantyliners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspecious noise at night: 0
It turns out to be nothing: 0
It turns out to be something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It is her pet dog/cat: -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay for a while, then go and chat with a college buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

ON HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
You go with a gal pal: -5
The pal is happily married: -4
Or frighteningly single: -7
And she drives a Mustang: -10
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED: -15

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called Death Cop 9: -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too": -800

COMMUNICATION - WHEN SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT A PROBLEM
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
You listen for over 30 minutes: +5
Without looking at the TV once: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

THE BIG QUESTION -- SHE ASKS YOU "DO I LOOK FAT?"
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
Any other response: -20

[ragecage]

How Men Can Make Women Happy - The Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replaced the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
You go out and by her extra-light pantyliners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspecious noise at night: 0
It turns out to be nothing: 0
It turns out to be something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It is her pet dog/cat: -10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay for a while, then go and chat with a college buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

ON HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
You go with a gal pal: -5
The pal is happily married: -4
Or frighteningly single: -7
And she drives a Mustang: -10
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED: -15

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called Death Cop 9: -3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too": -800

COMMUNICATION - WHEN SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT A PROBLEM
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
You listen for over 30 minutes: +5
Without looking at the TV once: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20

THE BIG QUESTION -- SHE ASKS YOU "DO I LOOK FAT?"
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
Any other response: -20

Well played, heres Greg Hahn talking about the points system at 1:52 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bWumVaESUU)

[Wassit3]

The talented Salesman

Young Brad from the country applied for a salesman's job at a city
department store. It was one of those massive stores that sells
just about everything.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever worked in sales before?" "Yes, I
was a salesman in my home town," said Brad. The boss liked him
instantly and said, "I'll give you a trial day here at the store,
start tomorrow, and I'll come and see you after closing time to see
how you went."
When the boss met up with young Brad the next day at closing time,
he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they
parted, the boss walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good!
How many sales did you make today?" "That was the only one," said
the young salesman. "Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my
staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than
that! Well, how much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred sixty five thousand, four hundred fifty two
dollars," said young Brad. The boss stopped, truly stunned now .
"Uhm, how did you manage that?!?" "Well, when he came in this
morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium
hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing
line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a spear
gun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer.
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said up the coast. We
decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to
the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the
twin engines.
Then, he said that his old bomb car probably wouldn't be able to
pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new
Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, seat heating, and a
built-in TV. Oh, and cup holders."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold
all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket."
"A blanket?"
"Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his
wife and was sleeping on the couch. I said to him, 'Well, your
weekend's ruined, so you might as well go fishing...'"




Now that's a good sales person...

[Rongar]

The talented Salesman

Young Brad from the country applied for a salesman's job at a city
department store. It was one of those massive stores that sells
just about everything.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever worked in sales before?" "Yes, I
was a salesman in my home town," said Brad. The boss liked him
instantly and said, "I'll give you a trial day here at the store,
start tomorrow, and I'll come and see you after closing time to see
how you went."
When the boss met up with young Brad the next day at closing time,
he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they
parted, the boss walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good!
How many sales did you make today?" "That was the only one," said
the young salesman. "Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my
staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than
that! Well, how much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred sixty five thousand, four hundred fifty two
dollars," said young Brad. The boss stopped, truly stunned now .
"Uhm, how did you manage that?!?" "Well, when he came in this
morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium
hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing
line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a spear
gun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer.
I asked him where he was going fishing and he said up the coast. We
decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to
the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the
twin engines.
Then, he said that his old bomb car probably wouldn't be able to
pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new
Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, seat heating, and a
built-in TV. Oh, and cup holders."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold
all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket."
"A blanket?"
"Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his
wife and was sleeping on the couch. I said to him, 'Well, your
weekend's ruined, so you might as well go fishing...'"




Now that's a good sales person...

Wass, dunno if you got my pm...there was an error message concerning your username.

[Wassit3]

Wass, dunno if you got my pm...there was an error message concerning your username.

Nope, I didn't get anything

[Alloutwar]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?

'Not yet,' she replied

[Wassit3]

Pet's can be smarter than you think...

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey,
lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on
her way. On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the
parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was
incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she
would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized
profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it
again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test
the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said. "Yes?" "You know."

[Rexington]

A little guy walks into an elevator occupied by the biggest man he has ever seen. He is looking at the guy when the dude looks at him and says " 7'2", 350lbs, 20 inches, 3 lbs, Turner Brown" The little guy faints. The big shakes him awake and the little guy asks "What exactly did you say?"

The big guy replies "I saw you staring at me so I answered the questions everybody asks me. I am 7 feet 2 inches tall. I weigh 350 pounds. I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown"

The little guy says "sweet jesus I thought you said turn around..."

[Rexington]

I know that everybody knows these two, but why not...

When Michael Jackson died his body was melted into legos so little boys could play with him for a change.

When Farrah Fawcett died god gave her one wish. So she wished that all the children would be safe. Michael Jackson died 3 hours later.

[Wassit3]

My love...

I see you standing there, looking so beautiful, so enticing...

How I wish to wrap my lips around your fullness and drink you in.

A bead of sweat rolls slowly down your slender figure as my heart flutters with joy.

My wife hates you, she despises seeing you making me happy because she knows it will just be a matter of time before I am unsatisfied once again.

When I can't have you I am angry.

When I have you I am ecstatic.

When you are gone I cry.

Many people think its an unhealthy obsession, but they just don't understand.

I bring you to my lips and smell your sweetness and give you a gentle lick.

I have waited for this all day.

I know I should stop this for my son, he may get the wrong idea and think its okay, but I can't help myself..

I need you...

Red Bull